An Apology To USG Solar Panels

Whatever you do, never expose a USG Universal Solar Panel to light.

I would like to humbly apologize to USG solar panels, or to give them their full name, Universal Solar Group.

In the article I wrote about them back in February I pointed out how horrible their written warranty was.  I made a sincere, concerted effort to make it clear it required around two or three hundred dollars in unnecessary maintenance every three months.

But I didn’t stop there.  I profligately expended my carefully hoarded reservoirs of mental energy to convey the information that keeping their wretched warranty intact for 30 years could cost over $28,500 in today’s money.

I endeavored to elucidate readers on how quality panels do not require such warranty conditions.  I endeavored to elucidate so hard.

And I ended my Herculean effort by imparting the wisdom I had won from years of experience dealing with solar spruikers, which was to never use these panels and tell those who suggest installing them to go to hell.

But I now see that after all the time and effort I spent writing the article, after an eternity of creating draft after draft to ensure its words would crackle like lightning in the minds of men and sear like fire in the minds of women, after printing out countless variations so Tonto 23 could determine which one tasted the best, after hours of consultations with quite possibly the most intelligent 8 year old I have ever given birth to, I realize I have failed and my failure is great.  I have failed my readers, myself, and most of all I have failed Universal Solar Group.

My failure occurred because not once in that article did I tell people the most important thing about USG panels, despite the fact it had been staring me right in the face the whole time, but I stumbled blindly by and left revelation lying in the dust.

So I apologize humbly and unreservedly for failing to inform you of a mind expanding piece of information.  I can’t believe I let the most important thing about USG solar panels simply slip by.

I know I’ve failed a lot in my life.  Broken marriages… broken fingers… 22 dead horses all named Tonto… owning Justin Bieber’s entire discography… but I’ll never live this one down.

The Most Important Thing About USG Solar Panels

The most important thing about USG panels was sitting right there in their warranty, among the long list of things that would render it void, clear as day, for everyone to see.  And I’ll show it to you right now in this screen shot:

And there it is.  The most important thing about USG panels is right there in front of you.

What’s that?  You say you don’t see it?  Really?  I think you’re just saying that to make me feel better.  But none-the-less, I’ll humor you and blow up the relevant section:

There you have it.  The most important thing about USG panels.  These panels, these solar panels, have their warranty voided if they are damaged by lighting.  Just take a minute to think about that.

There would be no reason to say their warranty would be void if they were damaged by lighting unless it was possible for lighting to damage them.  So the only logical conclusion is Universal Solar Group has made solar panels that can be damaged by light.  It’s the only explanation that fits.

We Can Only Pray They Come In Peace

I’m not about to suggest that some factory in China actually makes solar panels that can be damaged by light.  That that would be ludicrous.  We have to consider more rational explanations and there is only one that makes sense.  When you look at the other crazy requirements of the USG warranty, the need for maintenance every 3 months, the requirement that a highly trained professional waste their time cleaning them, and above all else the very name of the company itself – Universal Solar Group, the one explanation that fits becomes clear.  These panels are not of this world.  They are made by aliens.

I don’t know where the beings behind Universal Solar Group come from, but clearly their understanding of humanity is limited.  And I don’t know what kind of world their solar panels are designed for.  Perhaps they are meant for installation beneath the murky atmosphere of Saturn’s moon Titan.

There, at 10 times the distance the earth is from the sun, below a thick atmosphere of permanently unbroken haze, the panels would be quite safe from what we call “light”.  The wavelengths that reach the surface of that strange world would be quite different from those that reach our eyes.  Perhaps only a few watts per square meter would reach those panels, so no wonder their maintenance schedule requires them to be regularly checked for anything that could shade them and for it to be removed.  Every erg of energy could be vital.

And no wonder they need a highly qualified professional to go out and perform maintenance.  The survival of the alien colony could depend upon it.  Between the methane rain and plumes of water and ammonia from cryovolcanos, perhaps maintenance and cleaning really is required every three months.  Or perhaps the months are based on Saturn’s orbit, making three of their months equal to seven of our years.

Cleaning panels may be the most prestigious activity in their culture and performed by high ranking individuals.  It is even conceivable they obtain some kind of religious ecstasy from it.  This may be exactly what they are trying to share with us – their religion.

Before I realized the truth, I thought their panels were just crap, but now I know they are actually meant for another world, I see they are extraordinary examples of interplanetary craftsmanship and I thank them for sharing their technology with us.

I don’t know why they have come to earth, but now I know what they must be, I’d like to extend my hand in friendship to Universal Solar Group and hope they extend their hand, claw, tentacle, pseudopod, or sucker, in return.

But Karen Carpenter can express these sentiments far better than I can: